December 2009 Archive

I Must go Down to the Office

December 27th, 2009

I rewrote John Mansfield’s “Sea Fever” because the original doesn’t talk as much about office life.

Inspired by the great John Masefield.

I must go down to the office again, to the lonely desk and the files
All I ask is some chocolate and a coffee to get me by
Through the emails and the phone-calls and my nervous hands a’ shaking
And work through ’til I’m blue in the face and the grey dawn breaking.

I must go down to the office again and finish aligning a slide
My spread-sheet refuses to work and I’m about to die
All I ask is a quiet day without my client crying
And finish up a background check to see we’re all complying.

I must go down to the office again, to the wild consulting life
And the long hours and the projects and running to get your flight
All I ask is a good hotel where I can run for cover
And a double gin on my lunch-break when the conference call is over.

Let me Die a Consultants Death

December 27th, 2009

I rewrote Roger McGough’s “Let me Die a Youngman’s Death” to reflect the current pressures the may shorten the average consultants lifespan.

Inspired by the great Roger McGough

Let me die a consultants death
Not a clean and in-between the sheets
A civil servants death,
Not an “on the ‘dole”
Peaceful unemployment death.

When I’m 33
And just made manager
May I be blown up at dawn
When a terrorist hijacks
The first flight of the day.

Or when I’m 41
And in my lair-
Just got my own office and swivel chair
May some rival consultants
With clever USB keys burst in
Kill me and steal my laptop.

Or when I’m 54
And banned from nightclubs
May my fourth husband
Catching me in bed checking my email
And fearing for his sex life
Kill me with my own PDA
and sell his story to the tabloids.

Let me die a consultants death
Not a secretary’s tiptoe in
Or city bankers overspending death
Not a housewife with her ironing done,
“Well she liked to stay at home” death.

Slideshow, Slideshow

December 27th, 2009

William Blake’s “The Tyger” is great, but so are supporting deliverables.

Inspired by the great William Blake

Slideshow, slideshow, burning bright
In this meeting through the night
What sadistic clientèle
Could inflict all this upon me?

From what distant client site
Did he get this late night flight
Does he know that I’ve been up for hours
It’s been two days since I last showered.

Oh what project, and what part
Requires that I must break my heart
I wish my heart would cease to beat
Oh, anything to go to sleep.

Where’s my manager? What’s his game?
Up which rectum was his brain?
What’s the pricing, dare I ask
How long you think this work will last?

Now that I’ve talked through my career
And fixed objectives for the coming year,
Will he smile, my work to see?
And let me charge a fixed rate fee?

Slideshow, slideshow, burning bright
In this meeting through the night
What sadistic clientèle
Could inflict all this upon me?