Consultant CV

June 6th, 2010

This was sent through by a fellow consultant, I can’t claim for any of the humour contained therein. I have removed the incriminating lines and edited it slightly. Enjoy!

Consulting CV

Senior Master of Deception with over 6 years experience at GENERIC CONSULTANCY, one of the global ‘big 4’ scam organisations.   An expert in all subjects with the ability to turn simple tasks into Sisyphean endeavours for maximum revenue generation. Savvy and sycophantic with the capacity to swindle senior personnel in major public and private sector organizations.

Fundamental scope of expertism

  • Ability to invent massively unnecessary projects.
  • Effective time and cost multiplication to achieve maximum revenue.
    Verbosity and circumlocution expertise; skilled in document-to-tome transmogrification.
  • Sourcing and procurement of high-complexity word replacements for ‘finding’ and ‘buying’.
  • Successful implementation of solutions for major global organizations; particularly familiar with BRINE and SUGAR-SYRUP.
  • Completely guilt averse.
  • QTEMHBNAUBIJAMS level 3 practitioner (Qualification That Everybody Must Have But Nobody Actually Uses Because It’s Just Another Moneymaking Scam.)
  • Antecedent encounters of appositeness

    Project PARP – HM Department of Internal Organs

    • Led a £3 million anus procurement project. Senior government official had become constipated after ingesting his own anus.
    • Anus had been fully digested but defecation phase could not be completed since there was no anus throughwhich to pass a motion because it had been eaten, a phenomenon known as Personal Anal Recursion Paradox (PARP).
    • Initial Gap Analysis phase to establish the gap left by the anus followed by delivery of well documented intestinal requirements; successfully sourced and procured a new ‘best fit’ anus and oversaw the rectal integration phase.

    Data Whorehousing Project

    • 2 year, £4.2 million project to create a data whorehouse for a large manufacturer of blue chips for the casino industry.
    • Requirement for employees to have the option of having intercourse with data whilst working in remote locations.
    • Used sex-cell spreadsheets, COGNOS (Cognos Ognos Gnos Nos Os S) and statistical masochism to develop a database unusualised to the 4th unusual form.
    • Led the development of a ‘safe data sex’ initiative to allow the interfacing of male front-end and female back-end systems.

    Project Peristalsis

    • Project to review all documented central government processes and procedures to replace semi-colons with colons.
    • Objective was to allow the effective metaphorical transition of faeces throughout all documentation; budget: £4 trillion.
    • Led a team of 12 procurement analysts to successfully acquire over 23 million full stops during the colon construction phase; oversaw the subsequent decommissioning of over 23 million obsolete commas.
    • Produced recommendations report for the setup of a comma recycling initiative to turn disused commas into apostrophes.
    • Project completed on time and within budget under very tight deadlines.

    Extra-curricular preoccupations
    Not Applicable.

    Consultants: NOT investment bankers.

    May 3rd, 2010

    The more I think about what to write in these updates the more I realise that much of what I have to rant about is borne from the fact that most people think consultants and investment bankers are the same thing.
    This can make me (even more) mildly irate in my day to day dealings with people as I continually have to reaffirm the truth – yes, we do both fall into that ambiguous guise of “professional services” and yes, most of us work in really big offices. That’s where the similarities start and finish. It’s like saying that because you and funeral directors both wear suits to work that you both bury dead people on a day to day basis. Never fear, though. I’m here to educate you all.

    Contrary to what it often sounds like, I don’t hate investment bankers. It’s just that most people hate consultants and consultants need someone to vent against and investment bankers are fair game. They knew that before they got into the profession. So without further ado – the truth: Consultants are not investment bankers.

    “WOW, you must earn MILLIONS”
    Wrong. I think most of you would be shocked by how little I earn. Ok, I appreciate that it’s much more than other grad entry level salaries but it’s not like the upper echelons of the five figure sums that trainee bankers get. We also don’t get bonuses. Well, we do, but at junior levels they are all under a four figure sum and you have to get consistently high grades (yes, we are marked like we are in school) and unless you get the equivalent of nine straight A’s and a respected manager fighting your corner, you ain’t getting’ none.

    “Do you go to strip clubs at the weekend and take coke?”
    I have been asked this (or something similar) at least three times. I blame Confessions of a City Girl– which is an epic read by the way, I devoured in during a depressing day in new joiners training all the while carving “keep thinking of the money” into the table -who IS and investment baker and who DOES hang out in strip clubs. I don’t, and I don’t know any consultants who do. There’s two reasons:
    One – we are obliged to remain clean and pristine because of the caliber of the clients we work for. Investment bankers don’t actually work for clients in the same way we do hence when they get in trouble it’s only their own name they bring into disrepute.
    Two – most consultants are only too happy to get home at the weekend and would rather see their friends and families than go and see strippers. We’re all really a rather sedate bunch at heart and although we can give the average Joe a run for their drinking money, we would prefer to put our feet up and watch Come Dine with Me whilst looking for new leather gloves on ebay.

    “What are the trading floors really like?”
    I don’t know. Ask a banker. We tend to advise investment banks and financial institutions (ha, take that bankers!) as oppose to do any trading. We could, for example, advise a financial institution on their IT strategy, or maybe a restructure or on mergers and acquisitions. We don’t advise on what to buy, sell or stockpile. Our work is mush less volatile and hence less risky. As I keep saying, consultants tend to be meeker and milder than bankers and don’t want big scary on the spot decisions to be made without backup deliverables. How would we possibly make a trade without involving all stakeholders and ensuring that the client is fully engaged? How can you POSSIBLY do all your work off spreadsheets. Do you want a data warehouse for that?
    People can move on to be investment bankers though. What tends to happens is that we spend a long term spell consulting to an investment bank and the cocky alpha male and female types realise that consulting is rather boring in many ways and it’s much more fun shouting SELL SELL SELL down a wired telephone. So we skim these guys off to the banks leaving behind – you guessed it – the meek and mild types aforementioned.

    “You have to be well connected to get in”
    This was a strange one. I know that in the past, investment banking had a bit of the old boys network about it. Not just anyone got to be a banker and wear the braces and smoke expensive cigars. It was very much an Oxbridge/Ivy League pursuit. Best keep the money in the family and all that. I don’t think consulting was ever like that. As a relatively new profession (evolving about the same time as the expansion of the public sector) it tended to just want friendly, mentally stable, smart people who could communicate with other people. Your family ties are irrelevent. Now that graduate recruitment has been standardised and all those poor working class people can come in and steal a good education I think employers are pretty ambivalent about a recruit’s Alma Mater. Besides which, I’ve harped on before about consulting selling itself on the back of “understanding” the client and very often, that includes the common touch.

    There we go. I hope this had made things clearer. Bankers – risky, highly paid, big bonuses and promotions on the backs of dodgy deals. They spend their days buying and selling stuff. Less honest (remember the great big economic death of 2008?) and more prone to sex in hotels with strippers.
    Consultants – less risky, less well paid, appraisal based on performance. We spend our day suggesting the best approach to a difficult situation. More honest and more prone to a weekend in the park with the kids.

    So don’t ever compare me to an investment banker again.

    Ugly Consultants

    April 26th, 2010

    The Ugly Consultant

    Consulting is very diverse. It has to be. We make money from understanding our clients, no matter their cultural background or heritage. It pays us dividends to have a diverse employee body – we can sell that multicultural workforce and boiling pot of language skills to help up our utilisation rates.

    There’s no inequality or racism in this industry (fascism don’t pay so well)– which is something I’m truly proud to say. However – and you will laugh at this – however, I implore you to find an ugly consultant.
    That’s right. There are no ugly consultants.

    The graduate intake this year had people every hair and skin colour you could imagine and all 200 of them magically avoided getting a good hard slap with the ugly stick on their way into the world. I don’t mean that the welcome day was like standing backstage at Milan fashion week but there was no one could could really say was unfortunately featured.
    The women were all generically medium height and build; no one had much in the way of a few pounds to spare or any outstanding body morphs like immense breasts or stubby legs or double chins. The men are all well built and fall neatly into either ruggedly handsome or soft-middle-manager foppish -you know the type, drinks cocktails and likes cricket. Everyone has good teeth, skin and hair and a big friendly smile. No dodgy haircuts, bad makeup or tasteless clothes on show either. Demure suits, understated accessories and an all over natural look was the key trends being rocked at the newstarts induction event. It was quite refreshing, really, to escape the plethora of orange faces and skinny jeans.

    Where to they get this seething mass of “normal” people? It all starts at the interview. I’ve often pondered what the optimum brains:sociability:looks ratio is for the interviewees. There’s the clear specification of having exceptional school grades, a “good” degree from a “good” university and buckets of life and work experience but I wonder what the unmentioned appearance specifications are. Do they score down a first in a maths degree with being overweight with bad skin? Will they take the person with the less technical background because they look more presentable and has a gleaming smile with no fillings? Maybe you’ve never worked a full time job in your life but it sure sounds like you can sell snow to the Eskimos so we’ll take you.

    At first, I felt it was hugely unethical until I remembered that consultants are essentially salespeople. You bid for a piece of work, you send your photo in on your CV, you attend an interview for most client projects you go on. The client is paying an arm and a leg for your services and whether we, them or anyone else wants to admit or not, they want to feel that they they’re getting a premium rate service and that means looking that part. When I pay for a top of the range business hotel in the heart of the city I EXPECT more than the three star sun, sea and sand resort I stayed in last summer with the late deals of teletext. At the end of the day, the client wants us to help them with a piece of work, and at the end of the day I want a bed to sleep in. Beyond the transactional level, I’m not only expecting my expensive hotel to not only serve my needs but it has to have tea and coffee making, padded walls, a fitness suite, room service. Needless to say, the client is also expecting the bells and whistles of a friendly, sociable, confident and approachable person who doesn’t come with hidden surprises like a spliced snake tongue or tattoo sleeves or the worst eyeliner since 1986.

    We are here to sell work and sell the company and like it or lump it, there’s a huge body of literature out there saying that ugly people are percieved differently from non ugly people. It’s part of our sad human condition that we automatically assume attractive people to be happier, smarter and earn more regardless if this is true or not. It’s not morally “just” but it is true.