Posts tagged with gradute

Consultant CV

June 6th, 2010

This was sent through by a fellow consultant, I can’t claim for any of the humour contained therein. I have removed the incriminating lines and edited it slightly. Enjoy!

Consulting CV


Abridgment
Senior Master of Deception with over 6 years experience at GENERIC CONSULTANCY, one of the global ‘big 4’ scam organisations.   An expert in all subjects with the ability to turn simple tasks into Sisyphean endeavours for maximum revenue generation. Savvy and sycophantic with the capacity to swindle senior personnel in major public and private sector organizations.

Fundamental scope of expertism

  • Ability to invent massively unnecessary projects.
  • Effective time and cost multiplication to achieve maximum revenue.
    Verbosity and circumlocution expertise; skilled in document-to-tome transmogrification.
  • Sourcing and procurement of high-complexity word replacements for ‘finding’ and ‘buying’.
  • Successful implementation of solutions for major global organizations; particularly familiar with BRINE and SUGAR-SYRUP.
  • Completely guilt averse.
  • QTEMHBNAUBIJAMS level 3 practitioner (Qualification That Everybody Must Have But Nobody Actually Uses Because It’s Just Another Moneymaking Scam.)
  • Antecedent encounters of appositeness

    Project PARP – HM Department of Internal Organs

    • Led a £3 million anus procurement project. Senior government official had become constipated after ingesting his own anus.
    • Anus had been fully digested but defecation phase could not be completed since there was no anus throughwhich to pass a motion because it had been eaten, a phenomenon known as Personal Anal Recursion Paradox (PARP).
    • Initial Gap Analysis phase to establish the gap left by the anus followed by delivery of well documented intestinal requirements; successfully sourced and procured a new ‘best fit’ anus and oversaw the rectal integration phase.


    Data Whorehousing Project

    • 2 year, £4.2 million project to create a data whorehouse for a large manufacturer of blue chips for the casino industry.
    • Requirement for employees to have the option of having intercourse with data whilst working in remote locations.
    • Used sex-cell spreadsheets, COGNOS (Cognos Ognos Gnos Nos Os S) and statistical masochism to develop a database unusualised to the 4th unusual form.
    • Led the development of a ‘safe data sex’ initiative to allow the interfacing of male front-end and female back-end systems.

    Project Peristalsis

    • Project to review all documented central government processes and procedures to replace semi-colons with colons.
    • Objective was to allow the effective metaphorical transition of faeces throughout all documentation; budget: £4 trillion.
    • Led a team of 12 procurement analysts to successfully acquire over 23 million full stops during the colon construction phase; oversaw the subsequent decommissioning of over 23 million obsolete commas.
    • Produced recommendations report for the setup of a comma recycling initiative to turn disused commas into apostrophes.
    • Project completed on time and within budget under very tight deadlines.

    Extra-curricular preoccupations
    Not Applicable.